Tifu tifu

Tifu by trying to cure penile yeast infection on my own with garlic.

Tifu by trying to cure penile yeast infection on my own with garlic.

It all started last Thursday when the corners of my mouth started feeling really dry. I looked up my symptoms and found out I might be suffering from a yeast infection. I bought some cream from Wal-Mart that was meant to cure cure cold sores and started applying it to the corners of my lips. Next day I woke up with my lips extremely dry, blistered, and cracked. I had very dry skin all around my mouth to the point that it was flaking. I kept the areas moisturized but didn't apply the cold sore cream again as it didn't help the first time. Saturday comes a long and I wasn't sure if I was getting better or worse but now the tip of my nose was blistered and dry. The next day (Sunday) was the absolute worst. All day my lips were extremely dry, the corners of my mouth were cracked to the point where moving my mouth hurt. Worst of all I was getting an itchy red rash spreading from around my lips, up my nose, and my cheeks. ANYWAY Yesterday comes a long and my face is starting to swell more. I look up my symptoms and it looks like I might have dermatitis. As a kid I had a very severe two week period where I was getting itchy swollen rashes all over my body.

Today I woke up and felt that things have really taken a turn for the worst. Little did I know what was in store for me. Not only was the rash on my face still there, my penis was itching. The head of my penis started itching first and I spent several hours just itching it with my thumb. Now, I was born in Europe where I had the misfortune of keeping my foreskin. The area under the foreskin started to itch next. And oh was it frustrating. The itch seemed to be coming from under the foreskin where I couldn't scratch. I ended up having the rub the foreskin back and forth really vard. This was making it even more itchy.

Now instead of going to the doctor like a normal person and letting them observe my glorious penis. I decided I would treat it myself after some google searches. At this point it was obvious that because I still had my foreskin, I had a yeast infection. The yeast infection had caused me much suffering and I decided I would fight it one on one. I looked up several home remedies. I found Garlic. Rubbing garlic on my penis was supposed to help. I cut a piece of garlic in half, poked it with a fork to get the juices out and rubbed it all over those red rashes on my shaft and all around the head. The itching subsides. Awesome.

Several hours later it starts again but now my penis is swollen. So the yeast was not dead yet. I would deal it the final blow. MORE GARLIC.

I applied more Garlic and thought the yeast was now gone for good. That was when it started to burn. Oh my God did it burn. I curled up in fetal position, ass in the air, penis hanging down to avoid touching my boxers. I stayed like that for several minutes. The pain went away for the most part. I looked at my penis.

What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.

My foreskin was swollen to twice its usual size. Not only that, my penis overall resembled a cucumber. Bumps resembling bubbles covered the top of my shaft where I went to town with the garlic. The bubbles were getting bigger right before my eyes. I stopped looking.

I looked back down a bit later and saw the my penis was still intact. The bubbles had popped and now there was some clear liquid coming out of them.

I wiped everything off and waited, staring at my penis as it deflated. Then I wrote this post.

Anyway I read that yogurt helps cure yeast infection. Going to dip my penis in some of that.

TL;DR: Tried to cure itchy penis by burning it with garlic. Penis ended up resembling a cucumber.

Edit: So I woke up today and saw I had some new symptoms. I don't think chapped lips, blistered nose, swollen hot ear, and cucumber penis is a good combination. Going to see a doctor.

Edit: I just remembered something important that I forgot to mention in this post. If you ever have this problem... DON'T USE TEA TREE OIL OR BAKING SODA! I tried rubbing a shit ton of tea tree oil over the rash and it burned like hell because I didn't know I was supposed to mix it with some coconut oil. I also tried slapping a bunch of baking soda mixed with water on my face about 3 hours later. Same result.

Edit: Ok I'm back from the doctors... He pretty much took a look and told me I did have a yeast infection. Cause of the foreskin. No surprise there. He didn't exactly know what the rashes on my face were and why my ears were starting to swell. He gave me cream for the yeast and another one for the face and referred me to a dermatologist that I will see in several days. Saw no real red flags with my illness. I think I'll be fine.

Please use real medication. Don't rub garlic on your dick.

Time to move on to my next adventure.

TIFU by trying to climb into my apartment but fell resulting in massive injuries

TIFU by trying to climb into my apartment but fell resulting in massive injurieshttp://imgur.com/a/xK96X

Actually 5 weeks ago. I've been in the hospital that long, recovering from 2 broken legs and a bashed skull. 

So I was trying to scale my way across the side of the building to get to my balcony, since I didnt have keys. Left them in my car when I ordered the Uber ride home.

I thought I could get through an unlocked window at the balcony, since I live on the third floow and usually leave windows unlocked. 

Instead, I slipped and fell 20 feel to the pavement below. Not sure how I landed, but I suspect legs first, breaking two of them, them collapsed on my face

This is a picture of me in ICU that night.Looking kinda rough. 

I'm now almost healed enough to be released. Going home on Tuesday. 1 Leg is still broken, but at least I can start trying to live in the normal world. 

Situation sucks, but could have been much, much worse...so I consider myself stupid yet fortunate. 

TL;DR I tried  to climb into my apartment but fell resulting in massive injuries



EDIT: I thought you guys would appreciate some more recent photos with me sorta-healed

Pic of my healing legs http://imgur.com/AwQGkqQ
Pic of my healing face http://imgur.com/5bHP3Pe
TIFU by trying to climb into my apartment but fell resulting in massive injuries

http://imgur.com/a/xK96X

Actually 5 weeks ago. I've been in the hospital that long, recovering from 2 broken legs and a bashed skull.

So I was trying to scale my way across the side of the building to get to my balcony, since I didnt have keys. Left them in my car when I ordered the Uber ride home.

I thought I could get through an unlocked window at the balcony, since I live on the third floow and usually leave windows unlocked.

Instead, I slipped and fell 20 feel to the pavement below. Not sure how I landed, but I suspect legs first, breaking two of them, them collapsed on my face

This is a picture of me in ICU that night.Looking kinda rough.

I'm now almost healed enough to be released. Going home on Tuesday. 1 Leg is still broken, but at least I can start trying to live in the normal world.

Situation sucks, but could have been much, much worse...so I consider myself stupid yet fortunate.

TL;DR I tried to climb into my apartment but fell resulting in massive injuries

EDIT: I thought you guys would appreciate some more recent photos with me sorta-healed

Pic of my healing legs Pic of my healing face http://imgur.com/5bHP3Pe

TIFU by trying kinky things with a banana

TIFU by trying kinky things with a banana

TIFU by masturbating the morning before a presentation in front of the CEO

TIFU by masturbating the morning before a presentation in front of the CEO

Mandatory, this happened on Thursday. Cleared every post and comment off this account because I work for a pretty massive corporation and I don't take chances.

So I woke up a little early on Thursday and kinda subconsciously started dry humping and my conscious mind was like "yeah, alright" and helped finish the job. I kinda lied down in the mess in my underwear for a good 5 minutes thinking about what I day I had ahead of me.

From there, I go about my morning routine as usual, except I put on my best and suit and tie becuase I am presenting an idea from my department to the CEO today (CEO is more or less a household name, just to understand the gravity of this). I was super hyped all week for this, and my presentation was spot on.

So 10-7 minutes before I go in the board room I decide to take a piss. I hadn't pissed all day because I was so excited and healthily nervous, double checking everything and such.

So I go to the urinal, unzip my pants and start to piss. I feel a massive blockage and then the stream goes splitting off in all directions, like laser lights at an EDM show, and one of the streams is on my white shirt and tie for a solid 3 seconds, many went on my shoes and the wall, and some just seeped off my dick onto my crotch.

I fucking panicked.

There was an important looking person coming into the bathroom while I had not even begun to think about how to solve this problem and I decide the best option is just to get the hell out.

I zip up and walk briskly past the well-dressed executive, who makes a strange face upon seeing my shirt and my mind is racing about whether or not I should wash it off in the sink, or whether that would make it worse. I somehow reason that it would be worse to try to fix it (it always is in the movies) and being late is even worse than showing up with piss on your clothes in the corporate world so I just go.

I walk into the board room, disheveled, clearly stained with something and smelling of piss. One fat, short, bald man audibly snickers while the rest whisper in each others' ears discreetly.

The CEO looks perplexed and disappointed, despite never having met me once. Just as I have finished making my way across the room the well dressed man from the bathroom comes in.

Mfw when he is the fucking CFO

My confidence, rattled, I make the presentation in a very lackluster way, all the while being 3 feet away from the CEO who can very clearly smell the piss and is suppressing laughter after the CFO whispers something in his ear.

Upon seeing this I just rush through it. I just want the damned thing to be over. They politely applause when I finish. "Thank you, Mr. TIFU we will consider your ideas". No questions.

Spent all of Good Friday and the weekend smoking weed and playing tf2, there is no way in hell I'll be considered for anything anymore. My friend has texted me that a rumor of me pissing myself during the presentation to the CEO has spread. The rest of my department is apparently pissed off that I blew our shot.

TL;DR: Cum from early morning fap made me piss all over myself in the urinal before presenting to CEO and board of my hugely important company. They all noticed. I'm a meme now.

TIFU by not taking poison ivy seriously NSFW

TIFU by not taking poison ivy seriously NSFW

This one literally makes me cringe to write down, more on that in a bit, but I hope that this story ends up saving someone else's skin in the future.

So, my fuck up comes from a perfectly enjoyable weekend. I was invited out to a local camping and festival site with my best friend to help out a friend of hers clear woods for camping later this spring. It's an opportunity to get out in the beautiful weather, be around fun, nature-loving people and to clean up the planet a little bit. So far, so good.

We set to work; dragging brush, raking back dead grass and vines, digging out old stumps, and sorting through hippy artifacts of festivals past. My friend's friend offered gloves for us, but since I preferred to feel the mattock handle in my bare hands, I declined.

This is fuck up number one.

I did everything without wearing gloves, which means, that whenever I unwittingly touched a little hairy old vine that happened to be poison mother fucking ivy, I didn't notice it.

The rest of the day plays out fine. We make great progress for the day, have a good lunch, even get to play fight a little bit with play swords and bow-and-arrows.

I get back to the house that I'm sitting and, being the seasoned forest dweller I am, decide the best thing to do is get a shower. I washed with the best soap I had (in retrospect I've been picturing the glorious bottle of tecnu I have at home) and call it a night, thinking that whatever I may have been exposed to--chiggers, ticks, poison ivy---would all have been washed off and down the drain.

Ha.Ha ha. Hnnnng.

A couple hours since my shower have passed and I've gotten ready for bed. I've got no itchiness on my skin anywhere at this point. I have somehow convinced myself to believe that since I don't feel itchy anywhere now, that means I didn't get any poison ivy on myself at all. I put down my book and turn off the light. That's when I did get a certain itch that can only be scratched one way, that I imagine many other single men and women have gotten, and knew what to do to..ah..scratch my particular itch. I went through with my deed and slept like a rock.

Wake up the next morning already feeling the woeful tightness and itch on my right hand. I'm lying in bed still when I am thinking of this itch, and feel the slightest tickle on my face.

Shit.

Get up and go to the bathroom mirror, and sure as shit, see a small patch of the devils goddamn gonorrhea on my cheekbone. I look at my right hand, and see the all too-familiar blisters between my index, middle and ring fingers. And on my left hand. And on my right forearm.

Shit.

Find some calamine lotion and take stock of all the spots I find, and treat them accordingly, use my best jedi mind tricks to keep from scratching and hope for the best.

Get back to the house yesterday afternoon and do my best again to NOT SCRATCH ANYTHING. The poison spread a little bit, but not too badly.

I wake up this morning, and lo and behold, the spot on my cheekbone has spread to the greater part of my cheek and is flirting with the corner of my eye. And, I've got an itch. This time it's not that kind that one should scratch at all.

A further visual inspection confirms that I've got poison ivy on worst fucking place I've ever gotten it. Right on the outer lips of my vagina. And I'm afraid not even a Yoda-level midichlorian count in my bloodstream would help me distract myself from the most irritating, cringe-inducing, and utterly unscratchable itch that I've now got to ignore and treat for probably 2 weeks. Even typing at the computer makes me cringe because of how I have to spread my fingers and hold my right arm off the table and computer because of where the rash is on my forearm. Fuck.

Wear your gloves, kiddos. Or at the very least, wash like you're about to scrub into brain surgery, because this is going to be a long exercise in mindfulness and discipline.

In retrospect, I feel like it takes a solid exposure like this every few years to remind myself that YES I should wear gloves and YES I should carry the right soap in my vehicle with me at all fucking times.

TL;DR: Got into poison ivy. Flicked my bean. RIP vagina.

TIFU by asking for the hottest of sauces NSFW

TIFU by asking for the hottest of sauces NSFW

Obligatory this didn't happen today but two nights ago.

A Thursday night out in Belfast is hard to beat. Drinking is cheap and we end up doing a lot of it which normally is fine if I've eaten beforehand but I didn't get the chance to during the day, which I think probably set the ball rolling on this series of unfortunate events.

At about 7:30pm my SO and I were picked up from her house by some mutual friends and we headed to another house much closer to the city for pre drinks. All is well for a few hours and we call two taxis to take us to a club right beside the town hall where we wait in line for about 10 minutes then head inside. Now at this point I was slightly tipsy but decided that I wanted to get drunk fast and the best way to do it was with tequila...

Fast forward to part of the night I can remember and I'm outside of the club stumbling around at 2:30 in the morning trying to find my ID and enough coins to buy one of whatever smelt so amazing round the corner. Once the sober among us gathered the less so we headed over to what I could now see was a burger van! I was so elated at the thought of a burger after not eating for so long that I ran over and attempted to tell the, very patient, lady behind the counter as much. It took a while but eventually she got the general idea and made me a lovely burger with onions on it.

Now the fuck up really begins. Just as she is about to pass it to me I get the bright idea that a spicy burger might sober me up more so I ask the kind lady to give me her hottest sauce, and lots of it. "It's fucking hot now, be careful" I wish I'd listened to her because she really wasn't lying. I walk away and take a big bite of this burger and a few seconds later it felt like my mouth had ignited and someone was pouring more and more petrol onto the fire. I start flapping around at this point holding my mouth and my girlfriend stumbles over and asked for a bite. I'm too busy dealing with the pain to stop her and she does the same as me and just takes a large mouthful. A few seconds later and now we're both bent over in pain and tearing up at the hands of probably the hottest sauce I've ever eaten.

We were causing a bit of a commotion at this point and two girls came over to see what all the excitement was about to find us spluttering and spouting off profanities at this burger. This piqued their interest and one of them asked if she could try the burger. At this point I was just interested to see if we just couldn't hack it or if it really was just ridiculously hot. I was the latter, and the poor girl started to cry. I felt a bit bad but I did say it was hot. At this point we run off and jump in a taxi to head back for the night thinking all the excitement was done for one night, I was wrong.

We arrive home and head up to the single bed we were crashing in that night to get comfy then hopefully fool around for a bit then sleep. Sounded like a good plan to me until we get to the fooling around part. As I begin playing around she looks slightly perplexed but I thought nothing of it, not for a few seconds then that perplexed look changed very suddenly into one of pure shock and pain. As it turns out drunk me hadn't washed his hands after eating the very spicy burger and some of the hot chilli sauce had reached a very sensitive place. Cue my SO running to the toilet and sounding like a dying animal of some sort for 20 minutes. When she returned neither of us were in the mood and she was in pain so we just passed out there and then.

When I woke up the next morning I had a banging headache and a sore stomach, which was expected following the prior nights antics so I take it on the chin and head to the toilet. I sit down to conduct my business when suddenly I feel a familiar stinging sensation. At this point I put 1+1 together and realise that this chilli sauce has come back to haunt me and make my morning 10x worse. I'll save the details but it was grim. Maybe just standard mayo next time I think.

TL;DR I drank far too much tequila, ordered a very hot burger, burned off 3 sets of tastebuds, attempted some spicy foreplay and punished my butt hole

TIFU eating boner pills and bursting my frenulum. (NSFW)

TIFU eating boner pills and bursting my frenulum. (NSFW)

The tl;dr is at the bottom.

The story: Ok I'm in a kind of weird place right now in my life. Turning 38 this summer still single but not really bothered about it. After my last relationship ended I found a couple of dating-apps for adults and spoke to some women. Problem though is that the young and hot girls does not respond. So I started talking to older women, 40+ and noticed that this was a whole other game where I was the young-looking one and the women not only responded but initiated conversation that lead to som fun sexy times.

I'm kind of embarrassed about it and I don't tell my friends a single thing. I consider this as kind of a low point in my life but well... it's still something.

Ok so I started talking to this lady, 51 years old. She kind of turns me on with her style, but she is not very good looking. She wanted to get fucked rough and hard, and I promised her just that.

Hour before she arrives is the moment of the fuck-up, which is writing this about 4 hours ago. I pop a boner pill just to be sure that I would maintain a boner fucking this old lady.

She arrives, I start to warm her up with some light bdsm stuff, mixing spankings with pleasure and just get her into the mood for a real rough ride. In all this I decide to put my dick in her for a minute before continue spankings so I spread her legs and just push it in (she was 100% in on all this). Seconds later I feel something dripping down my leg and I make a quick check just what the fuck is going on down there.

Blood, fucking everywhere.

...so there I stand with a dick dripping blood like it almost pouring. Obviously the only thing to do is rush to the toilet and start putting pressure on the wound with paper towels.

Normally I would have gone flaccid in seconds by this. But with that fucking boner pill in me the pressure was still upp and the blood just would not stop. Bathroom looking like a fucking murder-scene with red paper towels and blood drippings, even my bloody handprints is on the wall. Still boner though. wtf...

A good fifteen minutes of blood not stopping later I finally notice that the paper towels are starting to stay white. I return to the living room finding her mopping my floors from blood. We laugh about the whole thing and I tell her I'm really sorry I no longer can't deliver what she wants.

Her answer? "You'll be ok again in like 15 minutes".

ok. She drove all this way, expecting a fuck and ended up cleaning my floors. I at least owed her some company. Maybe I could pleasure her without using my dick. Problem with that though - every time a started to get hard blood would start pouring again. She noticed that and started to have some fun with it. She let me be long enough to stop bleeding then made me hard again "just to see if it'd work this time".

By this time I started to get a little annoyed by her. By the fifth or sixth time I politely asked her to leave me so I could start heal myself before dying of fucking blood loss. Ten minutes after she walked out that door i started typing this tifu. Now I sit here, with the effects of a boner pill and a unfinished intercourse trying not to get a boner or I will start bleed again.

And yeah, the pill is in effect for 36-48 hours. Not giving me a constant boner, but every time a see something even slightly sexual I get aroused.

Yeah this is probably in my top three shitty moments of my life.

tl,dr: Hooked up with a granny who wanted rough stuff so I took a boner pill so I could come multiple times. 3 minutes in my frenulum bursted and my dick started pouring out blood like it would never stop.

TIFU by expressing my dog's anal glands

TIFU by expressing my dog's anal glands

I took my dog to see the vet recently. One of my concerns was that the dog was scooting his ass on our doormat. The good doctor educated me: dogs have two small sacs near their anus. These sacs are filled with stinky liquid that dogs use when marking places. As turds get passed, the glands get squeezed, pushing out some of this liquid and letting other dogs know that they've been there. Occasionally, these glands can get impacted, so it is good practice to clear them out every now and again. The dog will scoot his ass on the carpet to relieve the itch.

Now the good doctor showed me how to do it - WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING IT. That happened in the back, presumably done by the vet tech.

Fast forward to earlier in the week, when I noticed the dog scooting. So I got some nitrile gloves, and a paper towel and "expressed the gland". With just a gentle squeeze, the most vile liquid I could ever conceive of squirted onto my face and shirt. I cannot explain just how vile it was. Words do not do it justice.

Have you seen those beached whales who die and then their corpses explode from the trapped gases? I would rather eat what's left behind of the whale than smell this again. I have showered several times and I still smell it. I have done nasal rinses twice and I still smell it. I threw away the shirt, but its in my garage. It can be smelled through the garbage bag in my garage.

TL;DR did some home vet tech work. Never again.

TIFU by getting kinky with my wife (Possibly NSFW)

TIFU by getting kinky with my wife (Possibly NSFW)

So, my wife and I have a great sex life (like most couples should, right?). Over the years we've done all of the normal sex things: doggy, missionary, pile driver, oh go help me I'm about to fall, etc. We've never been Kinky or rough because we both are fine with just casual sex. Well, the other night, a thought popped in my head while she was on top: smack her ass. Seemed very good at the time but I was kinda nervous. What if she didn't like it. What if my finger touches her butthole. I thought about it for a minute or so then decided, fuck it. While she was bouncing around I rared back and swang, missing her ass and giving the old nutsack the Right There Fred. I immediately pushed her off me and folded in half. She is laughing her ass off and I'm in end of the ouch stage and starting the stomach sickness. She then proceeds to ask me if 'Im done' so we can keep going. I wait 5 minutes then we try again. As we switch positions we head butt before I can even stick it in. Sexy times = cancelled.

TL;DR I tried to be sexy and slap my wife's ass while we were playing hide the piglet(sex), and gave my nuts a good wake up call.

TIFU by blending my boob with a hand mixer

TIFU by blending my boob with a hand mixer

•This actually happened last night •The story was posted earlier today by my husband but got deleted because it didn't happen to him. So I'm posting what happened to me because ... well the world might as well laugh at my pain

The story:

I'm in the kitchen mixing cookie mix (with my trusty hand mixer) and it is so dry that crap is flying everywhere. Well shit. So I did what I usually do for problem mixes and toss a hand towel over the bowl & mixer.

What happened next was so fast the details are a bit sketchy (plus I think I blacked out a little). Apparently the corner of the towel got wrapped around the beater which proceeded to swiftly wind the towel and somehow my entire shirt around itself at max speed. At that point the hand mixer rolled up my chest and ROLLED MY BOOB BETWEEN THE TWO BEATERS! 😵

I screamed so loud I think my neighbors got scared. Between dizzy spells I proceeded to scream for help at a blood curdling level until hubby raced into the kitchen with a horrified look. Apparently the searing pain turned off my capacity to think rationally at that point because I FORGOT how to turn my OWN mixer off. I just kept screaming "IT DOESN'T HAVE AN OFF SWITCH OH GOD HELP ME!" until hubby grabbed the cord & yanked it out of the wall. My prince!

It then took about 5 minutes to get the beaters to eject so they would LET GO OF MY BOOB! I thought I was going to die and my obit would say WOMAN DIES COVERED IN COOKIE DOUGH WITH HAND MIXER ON MANGLED BREAST.

If I didn't think I needed a boob job before, I know I do now.

TL;DR I managed to get my boob caught between the two beaters on my hand mixer.

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